Regrets and Freedom
This post is inspired by a channelled message I received from Joan of Arc, in her birthplace in Domremy.
There is Eternal Life in No, and there is the same Eternal Life in Yes! Death is the fear between!
Eugene O'Neill, Lazarus Laughed
I am not sorry, I would say stubbornly. And, to an extent, I really wasn’t, because my choice had changed and defined my life as I had known it. But it was a choice between regretting what I have done, and what I haven’t done. However, either way, in practical, down-to-earth, terms, was a dead end.
What do you do when you know deep within yourself that you have screwed up? That you were placed in an impossible situation and didn’t know what to do? That you could have said no, but in your situation, your circumstances, you couldn’t? And, most, importantly, what do you do, if you don’t know what could have been done otherwise? Can you feel sorry if you honestly don’t know what else you could have done?
There are many ways of rationalizing regrets or avoiding feelings. But there are also many ways of transforming even the worst possible life choices into victories that bring reward not just to ourselves but to the whole world, that inspire people and transform reality as we know it.
In my own life, I was faced with the smallness of something I had chosen six years ago.
You may have noticed that the great magic that our souls had intended to happen can sometimes manifest into the smallest and the most ridiculous of circumstances in the 3D. There is no fanfare and priestly blessings, there are just broken humans meeting in their broken humanity, making the best of what they have, which is very often not so much.
And it took me six years to say to the Universe, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I played so small. I’m sorry I was so afraid. I’m sorry I was convinced that no matter which direction I go I would regret either for the rest of my life. But above all, I’m sorry that I, to this very day, still don’t know what could have been done otherwise.
And that means I would have probably made the same choice — because I don’t know what else could have been done. I don’t even know how to make it better. And I’m sorry for that, too.
But as I let the grief and the regret flow, I realized there was no judgement. I was just making peace. I was being liberated as I said what I have been longing to say for so long, as I faced the guilt and the shame that I have not been wanting to face.
The templates we have taken on, the lives we had chosen to incarnate into, the ancestry we had chosen to connect with as souls — have all been reflected in our impossible choices and our playing small and scared. releasing ourselves from the burden of past mistakes was never about trying to resolve it in our minds or thinking we can only forgive ourselves when we know what to do. Sometimes, we never know. Sometimes, we are simply faced with what is, as we slowly realize that based on our own choices, and the choices of hundreds of other people involved in our lives, we did the best we could do.
There is no way to replay our lives, or to turn back time and do things differently. It is not possible to go back, to fight the battle anew, or to try and win in a different way. This is the trick of the mind, trying to have us avoid the reality and run away from feeling the pain.
The most healing thing that can happen is to face the grief, face the regret and face the helplessness — and say “I don’t know.” I don’t know what could have been different, and I will never know.
The heavens open when we don’t stop our rivers of grief or try to rationalize or blame. We don’t need to know, or understand. To be free, we just need to say what it was that we were longing to say, face what we had never wanted to face about ourselves, and feel the feelings we wanted to avoid — those feelings of being silly, pityable, ridiculous, foolish or ugly.
There is no way to change our past. There is, however, a way to release it, so that we can make our future different. “What if” is really a fear of the future — if I am in the same situation, how do I know that I don’t make a fool of myself again? How do I know that I stand up to the test the next time?
But the only way to know for sure is to take the test. To release the past and to admit how it makes you feel — and to ask to heal all the parts of you that feel unworthy, broken, ugly, useless, that feel they need to cling, or cheat, or lie, or make whatever mistakes it is that you made. The only way to know is to learn how to love. Because, as John the Apostle had said, there is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.
We owe this love to ourselves, to all the lonely broken parts of us — and as we fill ourselves with love, we are able to freely give it to others. In their brokenness, we see all the parts in ourselves that we haven’t yet embraced in love.
But we also owe ourselves a celebration. A celebration of all the parts of us that dared to say yes, that dared the risk, even knowing that it could potentially destroy our life, or our soul, or whatever it is that we were afraid of losing — and yet we made that step, risking everything to venture into the great unknown. The reward is great, because no matter how much we lost, we have found life. We are alive. And in that life, we will be leading others, to discover their own courage.
We can turn the past into a victory by being brutally honest with how we feel about it, and by accepting and loving all the parts of ourselves that contributed to that past experience. And if we need absolution and forgiveness from the Universe, let us not be shy about it, but ask in earnest and trust that we receive it in that very moment. Let us not stop the rivers of grief. Let them flow freely, as we receive the gift of freedom. The gift of forgiveness.