When someone affects us to the point that we want to hurt them or offend them — do we run away from it and avoid any further interaction with them? Do we blame ourselves for somehow allowing this into our lives, or for not being loving and accepting enough?
Or do we recognize that they have gifted us with seeing our shadow, seeing the parts of us that have never been loved before, never seen the Light before? That we now have the opportunity to love ourselves into wholeness?
When I had just begun working with the Dark Mother (in my personal journey embodied by the Black Madonna of Moiano, Our Lady of Deliverance), one of her first messages to me was: “Give up trying to be ‘good’!”
As someone on a spiritual path, as a woman on a spiritual path, I can certainly identify with the desire to be “good,” to put on a comfortable cloak of a “lightworker”, to allow only good things to enter.
As someone who has facilitated removal of entities and clearing of dark energies for over a hundred people, I am certainly aware that darkness is real and not to be messed around with. So what do I mean by shadow work?
What is Shadow Work?
When I talk about working with shadow, about loving and transmuting our shadow aspects, I emphatically don’t mean irresponsibility or licentiousness. To me, this is just another form of denying the shadow. Engaging in destructive behaviors, seeing ourselves as above law and above morality leads to addictions and spiritual slavery that can be very hard to break out from.
And yet, the world is not black and white, and we — each one of us — carry within ourselves all aspects of reality. Whether in this life, or past lives, we have chosen to be perpetrators and victims, abusers and the abused, givers and takers. If we refuse to see the parts of ourselves that we think of as shameful or inappropriate, we tend to project them onto others and onto the world around us.
It is not by chance that I began this article with a quote about denying the shadow being equal to denying the Mother.
My perspective on shadow work is deeply rooted in working with the Divine Feminine. As women especially, we carry in our cells and DNA centuries of conditioning to be “good,” to not go against the grain, to be obedient, pure and perfect.
Faced with inability to reach an imposed standard of perfection, we can either give up and consider ourselves “bad,” or deny those darker aspects of ourselves, numbing them with addictions, rescuing others, trying to save the world, smothering others with our intrusive care and misplaced affection, or seeing flaws in everything and everyone.
Signs of an Unhealed Shadow
One of the most telltale signs of unacknowledged shadow is being quick to judge others. Another sign is being obsessed with saving the world, or rescuing others.
Ask yourself:
- Am I more interested in with healing the Other than in healing myself?
- Do I constantly feel drained of energy, time and resources because I am trying to help others?
- Am I left with the impression that most people are ungrateful? That they somehow do not appreciate my help, no matter what I try to do?
- Do I find myself surrounded with immature, “lost” or otherwise “helpless” individuals (at least, in my own eyes), or perhaps do I seek them out deliberately?
Whether we get annoyed with others, or try to “fix” and “heal” them is just two sides of the same coin. What we are really doing is trying to divert attention in order to feel “good” about ourselves.
But it’s not about the Other. Herman Hesse wrote, “what isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” We are simply not able to see that which we have no connection with.
The world we see around us is just a reflection of each of our own inner worlds. Fighting the dark unacknowledged impulses within ourselves only makes them stronger. Those inner demons turn into dragons that are growing two heads for each one we are desperately trying to chop off.
Shadow Work is Ultimately About Wholeness
There is no way around the shadow. If we are unwilling to face it in the safe and controlled environment of our meditations and spiritual practices, it will keep surfacing in our daily life, be it as painful circumstances, irrational outbursts or failed relationships.
Going back to my work with the Dark Mother, what does it mean, to stop trying to be “good”? For me, it meant to choose a path other than guilt, shame, unworthiness or ungrounded “love and light” spirituality.
Shadow work is certainly not about seeking out darkness, engaging with dubious astral entities, or dwelling on my own flaws.
Shadow work is the path of facing all of myself — and loving all of myself. It is the path of having the courage to feel bad about myself — and acknowledging that, of finding the strength to say “this, too, is me” when I see someone or something in the outside word that makes me uncomfortable or angry.
Shadow work is ultimately about wholeness. We don’t fight the shadow, and we don’t run away from it. We face and transmute the shadow with love and compassion.
How to Start Working with the Shadow?
One of the most effective tools in beginning to deal with our shadow is practicing the sitting with uncomfortable emotions meditation.
When an unpleasant emotion arises in your meditation — be it anger, loneliness, fear, or just a general sense of anxiety — rather than chasing it away, try and sit with it for a few moments, feeling into it fully.
Ask the emotion where is it located in the body, feel into that area. Talk to the emotion as you would talk to a friend, ask what does it want to tell you? Where does it originate from? Don’t try to analyze, just allow yourself to feel the feelings in stillness and silence.
You may need professional help or a healing session if the emotions are too intense and overwhelming to deal with, but many of the unpleasant sensations that we try to avoid in daily life are just voices of our own shadow waiting to be felt, embraced with love and acceptance, and transmuted into wholeness.