Twin Flame Codependency or Unconditional Love?

What is twin flame codependency? If you are sending healing to your soul connection, while at the same time ignoring your own needs — are you codependent? What if you are looking to help them and believe you don’t need much work to do for yourself?

In this article we will look at the issue of twin flame codependency and the wounding that surrounds it.

In my experience, challenging soul connections (often called twin flames) come into our lives to show us the darkness we were previously unwilling to see in ourselves. This is often reflected in the stories we tell ourselves and others. Everything was fine, I was on a spiritual path, having a great life, teaching others — then boom! That guy/girl came into my life, and everything went downhill. Please help, I want to go back to what it was!

Problem is, “what it was” is an illusion. It was not complete. Now you need to grow deeper roots.

For any soul connection, whether we call it twin flame or any other name, a codependent relationship will not last and will result in separation.

Can Twin Flames Intentionally Hurt Each Other?

Some people firmly believe that twin flames can never hurt each other, that their love is never tainted by any darkness. Therefore, if someone so much as upsets you or triggers you, they are not your twin flame. Go leave them at once and find another perfect love!

Personally, I have a hard time reconciling such theory with reality.

How many times have we hurt people we loved the most? Was it intentional at the time? Don’t we always believe we are right — until we know better? I believe, the more we know ourselves and our hearts, the more we realize how imperfect we are in love.

Unawakened twin flames can, and do hurt each other. They blame, curse and demand. They project their wounding onto the Other, or set them on an unattainable pedestal while hating themselves. They run from themselves and chase the other. They curse God and people. Twin flames are not immaculate. They make mistakes, they lose their way and ruin their lives just like any other human being does.

In most cases, your twin flame doesn’t hurt you. You hurt yourself though your expectations and assigning meaning to their action (typically, though, their lack of action). We often create a whole world in our imagination, a world of pseudo-spiritual make-believe that keeps clashing with reality. I’ve even seen questions like, “How do I know if my twin flame wants to contact me?” Um, by them contacting you?

Because of the idealization of twin flame love, those on the path of these soul relationships often confuse codependency and unconditional love. Growing up without good examples of love or true spiritual power doesn’t make it easier. We either hide from love altogether, or confuse it with manipulating and fixing others.

Do we truly know the difference between codependency and Divine love? Between loving unconditionally and becoming a doormat? Between setting boundaries and pushing people away?

Twin Flame Codependency & Inner Child Healing

The unbalanced love of a codependent comes from their wounded inner child. Deep and unprocessed wounds are causing us to either cling and grasp to even the tiniest crumbs of affection, or to push our twin flame away. We may logically understand that our behavior is unproductive, but we keep on the same reactive pattern, often as if against our will.

The wounded inner child feels she is not good enough. That’s what she learned, and that’s what her universe keeps reflecting unto her, until she is healed. Our bodies are not good enough, our education is not good enough, we are never competent enough, our identity (ethnicity, race, gender) is not good enough, and so on. Being our own self is never good enough.

As empaths and sensitive souls, we have often had to hide our true self behind a more “rational” or “strong” facade. But the very act of having to pretend to be someone else only reinforced our own sense of shame and inadequacy. When we don’t see ourselves as worthy at a fundamental level, we tend to look for our worth outside of ourselves.

Could it be that we are trying to rescue, fix and heal people around us to feel worthy of our mission?

There is just one problem with that. Most people don’t want to be rescued, healed and fixed. They will, however, happily accept sex, food, accommodation or whatever else is free for the taking. For this reason, a passion for “helping” people tends to send us into a never-ending cycle of disappointment and abuse. This undermines our self-worth even more

The key to truly healing this wound twin flame codependency wound is not to fight the harsh criticizing inner voice, or to forcibly numb it with alcohol, food or obsessive perfectionism. Instead, we recognize this voice of shame and criticism as an integral part of us, and embrace it with love. You are accepted and free. You don’t have to pretend or be strong. Just rest in love.

Our inner child is the intuitive, divinely connected part of ourselves. It is at the core playful, loving and always ready to learn, to experience, to forgive and start anew. When our inner child is acting out in the ways that perplex us, it simply means we have pushed our pain down into the realms of the subconscious.

Twin Flame Codependency: Rescuing and Fixing the Other

As I already mentioned, wanting to fix another can be an expression of our own feeling of inadequacy. Anything is better than having to deal with our own pain.

The big question is, are we trying to be a rescuer because we love the Other unconditionally — or because we want to avoid facing our own self-hatred?

For women, especially, it seems very important to not get caught up in the trap of romantic “unconditional love”. What many women have been taught in most cultures for centuries is to cultivate the virtues of sacrifice and unconditional giving. The practical application of these “virtues” rarely had anything to do with Divine unconditional love.

What will you do if there is no one to save? Can you love someone who is strong, abundant, stable, and does not need saving? Can you love a good and caring guy who is always there for you? Or is it too boring? When was the last time you noticed a good caring and stable partner that you were interested in?

One way of getting out of twin flame codependency is learning to walk the middle path between compassion and wisdom. We can learn to say no to an out-of-control inner child, kicking and screaming to get her way. But we can also learn to see the beauty of the heart, hiding behind the acting out.

Why Does My Twin Flame Reject Me?

One of the biggest triggers for codependent behavior is fear of rejection, fear of losing your “one true love” and losing them “forever”. However, when your twin flame rejects you, what they are actually doing is refuse to give you what you think is love. They cannot give you anything except real love. And neither can you. None of the dysfunctional ways of building relationships will work with your twin flame.

Twin flame codependency is not a functional pattern. Your twin is not able to give you what you cannot give yourself. They would have liked to, but they can’t.

No matter how unawakened, “irrational” or “unspiritual” your twin flame is, what they are giving you is the greatest gift of all — teaching you how to love. To really love. It is the service that their soul took on for you. And it is a far greater service than what we can comprehend in the physical world, where we are fooled by appearances.

The journey was never about how to awaken your twin. The journey was about your awakening.

Twin Flame Codependency & Separation

Meeting our twin flame is a powerful soul activation. The burst of energy that the meeting of twin flames generates calls up the whole soul, from the highest heavens to the deepest dungeons.

This explains, in part, what happens during the twin flame separation process. Some parts of our soul that have now awakened had been completely devoid of light and love for eons. Those parts of the soul are desperate for even tiny morsels of light.

And now that we have seen the Light, we want our twin flame to take on the role of a Divine Lover for us. But they can’t. They are not God and neither are we. Nor are we awakened, enlightened, or whatever other perfection we are looking for. Twin flame codependency is just our attempt at becoming God too fast, too soon, and for all the wrong reasons.

They say, the one who knows himself, knows his Lord. Our desperate search, as hard as it may be to admit, is an indication that we don’t know our true selves. That is why this search is so important — but it is not about saving the Other. It is about saving ourselves.

Until we clear this desperation for Divine love, we are pretty much stuck. And we can remain stuck for decades — or for lifetimes. The Divine Light needs to fill up the deep dark desperate parts of our soul. The parts of us that disconnected through trauma. The parts of us that have descended into hell, be it literal or metaphorical. The parts that are terrified to descend again into darkness. 

Twin Flames are a Reflection of Divine Love

Our relationship with our twin flame is a reflection of what we think we deserve.

If God/ Source/ Universe is not there for me, I have to get love from my twin flame. Doesn’t matter that they treat me badly, as they inevitably will in this situation. Their behavior only reinforces the already existing concept of lack. And we end up, again, getting what we always thought we deserved. See, God doesn’t want to give me anything, he never wanted me to be happy in the first place!

The lesson and the work here is learning to receive love directly from Source. This is not about anyone giving love to us. This is about us becoming love.

If we see love as something outside of ourselves, if we demand love from others, or blame them for not loving us, we are giving our power away. We have learned from the society around us and from our own soul history that love is out there. Twin flame codependency is a belief that we are not good enough to receive love, that we must change in order to be loved.

Many of our own blocks to receiving love come from the way our own parents treated us. For their part, they didn’t know any better, either. They grew up with their parents treating them the same way. But if we adopt the view of the Divine as being similar to our parents, it becomes very easy to believe that the Universe is out to punish us. God is judging us, we have to earn love from the Divine, we have to be deserving. And, in truth, when we thus create God in our own image, we are never deserving enough.

We don’t have to earn love by rescuing or sacrificing. We are love. Twin flame or no twin flame, rich or poor, alone or with people, this love is a treasure that no one and nothing can take away from us.