It takes two to tango.
No matter how tempting it may be to blame the Other, the responsibility for the quality of our relationships always lies with both partners. This applies to friendships, business and romance alike. To begin changing our life and our relationships, we always need to start with ourselves.
Let me put an aside here — responsibility is not blame, nor does it excuse others from acting dishonestly, being manipulative, or otherwise expressing their woundedness with us. Responsibility does not mean putting up with abuse or having no boundaries. We have to put our safety, wellbeing and sanity first. But the only person we can change, the only one whose attitude we can transform — is ourselves.
For as long as my happiness depends on the behavior of my partner, on whether or not they are able to change and grow, I will be unbalanced, while at the same time preventing my partner from changing and growing. I will be effectively pushing away the very thing that I want.
Do I want to be free? To have time for personal development? To be myself? Do I want someone to equally accept my darkness and my light? My partner needs the same freedom.
Sometimes the more we give, the more we get, but at other times we gain the whole world for almost nothing.
It all depends on how valuable what we give is to those who receive it. If we invest a lot of energy in a relationship, for the sole purpose of changing our partner, we will get very little in return. Our partner will only see manipulation, not support.
If you feel you are only giving, and not getting anything back, try investing less into changing a relationship or expecting anyone to change. Instead, direct more attention to yourself. Do not try to change your partner — change yourself.
As soon as you change, a new side of your partner’s nature will come to the surface almost immediately. We are all multifaceted beings. Think of all the ways you can be different with different people — boisterous in one company, quiet in another, irritable or peaceful, anxious or trusting. You are still the same person, yet different in different environments, with different people, each of whom triggers a certain aspect of you, a trait of personality that you may not have even been aware of.
People seldom change on demand. It is fruitless to keep trying an approach that does not work. Changing our methods of dealing with a problem changes the result, but changing our feelings makes that result even brighter.
When we develop the ability to be happy without demanding that our partner change, we will be able to give without feeling deprived, and to receive more than we ever thought was possible.
